As of yesterday I had 4 new matches on eHarmony. As of today 2 have already closed off communication without having done any communicating. The other two seem to be people who have not signed up for the service, as they have not completed their introductory info yet. So nothing will probably come from any of these matches. Yet it makes me wonder, what people are looking for? Why do they close off communication so quickly?

One closed off communication choosing: I have too much happening in my life at the moment as their reason. See previous entry: Closing Off Communication on eHarmony for what I think about using that reason. The other closed off communication using the reason: Based on statements in their profile, I’m not interested in this match. This is the reason I would use for closing off things this early. But, why close off this early is my question?

I attempt to communicate with pretty much every match I get at eHarmony. I am paying good money in an attempt to find someone who might be compatible for the long-term should there be chemistry. This type of dating site lends itself to fewer possibilities than the big sites like Match.com or Yahoo! Personals. So, why would I instantly limit the possibilities even more without attempting to get to know some of these matches? Why do people close off so quickly? I don’t know. If you do, let me know.

So I decided to look at this a little closer. I looked at the close off with the reason of statements in their profile. In her profile she states that she is looking for someone who is honest, has an easygoing personality, is of strong character and has a good sense of humor. I may be biased but I think if you asked my friends, family, coworkers or even acquaintances that these are qualities that they would say I have. Some might even say that I am too easygoing and joke around too much. Like you can joke around too much. Yet none of these, in my opinion, are qualities that you can evaluate very well with just a picture and a few words of text. Maybe the sense of humor can be judged and she didn’t think what I wrote in response to a couple of questions was funny.

Under things that she is thankful for she put: family, friends and health. This is the exact same thing that I have for that answer. Under leisure activities she states being a ‘golf junkie’. My profile states that golf is one of my favorite activities. These were all things that peaked my interest in possibly getting to know her, yet did nothing for her in wanting to get to know me.

The eHarmony site says we could be compatible. We have a few things in common. She didn’t want to communicate, I would have. Still not sure what people are looking for or at least don’t understand the ways in which they go about trying to find it. I thought the purpose of online dating was to use the power of the Internet to meet people that you otherwise would not have ever probably met. Thus raising your chances of meeting a special someone. The key word above being meet, as of now this doesn’t seem to be so much the case. So the journey continues…

On eHarmony when you have decided that you don’t want to communicate or continue conversing with a match, you close off communication. To do this you click the Close Match button at the bottom of a matches profile page. When doing so you can choose from a list of reasons provided by eHarmony. You can choose multiple reasons from the list if you wish.

The reasons you can choose from are:

I think our family backgrounds are too different.
This reason makes good sense if you have been communicating for a while and you feel your families just don’t mesh well or that your lives are too different to go any further.

I have too much happening in my life at the moment.
This one makes little sense to me. Why are you paying to use and online dating service if you have too much going on at the moment. I guess you could have bought a multi-month subscription and life just got busy but that is what the put a match on hold feature is for.

I don’t feel that the chemistry is there.
This reason only makes sense to me if you have actually met the person. A few people have actually closed of communication with me after just reading my introductory info page and then chose this reason. If you are looking for chemistry from a photo and a few words of text, good luck to yah!

I don’t think our Must Haves and Can’t Stands fit.
This is a good reason if your Must Haves and Can’t Stands just don’t mix. If you can’t see yourself fitting in with a lot of these, then closing off communication is probably best for both parties. If though most of them sound ok to you and just a couple don’t, keep communicating and ask for clarification on these later.

I think the physical distance between us is too great.
If you are using this one a lot then you probably ought to narrow your search criteria to a smaller area. Although you never know what one is looking for. I was recently closed off by somebody in a city that shares a borderline with my city with this reason. If this is the case maybe you should widen your search.

I want to pursue other matches at eharmony.
This means I have no interest in you but I am trying to be nice about it. This is the, It’s not you it’s me, reasoning for closing things off.

I am pursuing another relationship.
Again this is what the hold feature is for unless you are really serious about your present relationship. If that is the case though, why haven’t you canceled your eHarmony service and why are you still logging in?

I’m just not ready for the next step.
Why are you on a dating service like eHarmony that is geared for people seeking long-term relationships? There are other online dating services that may be more what you are looking for. If you are just looking for a few dates then try Match.com or Yahoo! Personals, although there are many people using those sites that are looking for long-term companionship also.

I am taking a break from dating.
See, I have too much happening in my life at the moment above.

I would rather not say.
This is as bad as choosing Other, see below.

This match never responded to my request to communicate.
This happens for various reasons including that the person never signed up for eHarmony. After some time has passed and you have received no response, you should close things off. Free up you list of matches. Give it a decent amount of time though, not everyone gets online daily or multiple times a day as you might.

I think the difference in age between us is too great.
This is another reason that makes no sense to me. You can choose an age range for your prospective matches. So, if this is the case maybe you should change your settings. The minimum age range is 6 years. Choose any 6-year range you like, only those that fall into that range will be matched with you if you fall into theirs.

I think the difference in our values is too great.
This again is a good reason. Similar to: I think our family backgrounds are too different above. If after communicating for a while you realize that you are just too different values wise then closing off the match is a prudent thing to do.

Based on statements in their profile, I’m not interested in this match.
This is the only reason I can see using if you don’t want to communicate at all with a match. It is possible that statements in their profile are just not right. I have seen a few of these in my time on eHarmony. When you finish reading their introductory info and all that comes to mind is run, run as fast as you can. Maybe you should use your instinct and close the match down.

Because there are no photos posted/I couldn’t see any photos.
I understand this reason but I don’t really get it. I have a couple of photos up. So I have never been closed off for this reason, maybe just the opposite. If no photos are your reasoning for closing off a match, you might want to consider a few things. Some people just don’t know how to get a photo uploaded to the service and don’t take the time to mail one in. Others are just leery of putting their face online for all to see. If you take the time to communicate with them a little you could probably get them to change their mind. How many good-looking and attractive people do you know that don’t think they are. Or don’t think they look good in pictures. Or are just a little shy. These are all possibilities you may want to find out about before clicking that close button. You can close off at anytime. Why do it so early?

Because I was put on Hold.
If you have been put on Hold and some time has passed with out the hold being changed back, then closing things off is fine.

Other
This is perhaps the unkindest reason that you could possibly choose. In the rare case that none of the other reasons fit then ok. But how often is that the case? I have had this one used on me before any communication has taken place. Seems in that case that: Based on statements in their profile, I’m not interested in this match would be a better choice.

Because we are communicating outside of eHarmony
This is the best reason of all to close out communication within the eHarmony system because hopefully you have actually met someone and things have moved beyond anonymous emailing.

These are the reasons that you can choose to close off communication in the eHarmony system. Some of them make sense. Others don’t. Some only work in certain situations. Don’t be in such a hurry to close things off. Especially on a service like eHarmony that only matches you with people that are compatible with you.

The eHarmony dating service this month has celebrated five years of matching singles. This month is also my one-year anniversary of dating online using eHarmony to find a match. So far this has not happened. This is one of the reasons I created this site. In writing about dating online, I could learn more about it and how to use it best all while helping others improve their prospects also.

A free cruise for a lucky couple is how eHarmony celebrated their fifth birthday. No matches for me to celebrate yet. I want to emphasize yet. I think it will happen, possibly with the help of the eHarmony dating service. Or, maybe some other online dating site as I am thinking about trying out more of them. The idea behind eHarmony makes the most sense to me at this time. But, if I am going to be writing about dating online, I should probably spend some time on a few different sites in the online dating realm.

Before I do that I thought I would talk a little about my eHarmony experience. In the one-year I have been on the service they have provided me with about 315 matches. Since eHarmony shows matches with anyone that has filled out the Personality Profile. Not all of these matches end up signing up to the service. My educated guess is that as many as a third of these matches are of this type. This is based on the number of matches with introductory pages with incomplete info. Also, the numbers of matches that never answer a communication request and never close off communication. If they are active on the service and don’t want to communicate they usually seem to close things off.

This puts me in at around 210 real matches. I, as eHarmony suggests, have attempted to communicate with every match. Not everyone does this for whatever reason but that is a topic for another post. These are matches from my area (Seattle, WA). I chose to only receive matches within 120 miles of me. You can go smaller (just your city) or wider (just your world). So I could have many more matches in the system if I were to go wider in my search.

Of these matches I have ventured down the guided communication path with maybe half of them. Not always making it that far. I reached the open communication stage with 18 of these matches. Communicating outside of eHarmony with 5 of them. Leading to the meeting of two of them in person. The ultimate point of dating online is to meet offline.

One of these I went out with a few times but nothing came of it. With the other there was just no chemistry on a romantic level. You may say only a handful or so of dates after a year of dating online, what is up with that? It may not seem like a lot to you. I refer to it as the hot streak!

It just seemed like the right place. Most of the other online dating services all seemed more about getting a date. Having some fun. Not that I don’t want my dates to be fun. I was just looking for Fun with a Future. Still am!

When looking for someone to date, shouldn’t there be some consideration of the future possibilities. Not just the right now. The eHarmony system said to me, we know what is needed for a lasting relationship. We will match you with others that this can happen with. You go about seeing if there is any chemistry and build from there. Made sense to me. The idea of knowing that if you clicked with someone, you had a high likelihood of a long and fruitful relationship.

Yes, you get less of a selection, because you are only matched with those that you are very compatible. Some don’t like this aspect of eHarmony. They feel they might be missing out on someone. You may miss out on someone, someone that you had less probability of having a solid relationship with.

Besides most of us miss out on many who could be good for us when using other dating sites. We think we know what we want in another and we proceed by narrowing down the field of prospects. We use the dating sites search feature and select others based on their education level, body type, hair color, income level or height. Just imagine how many possibly great people you could miss out on over an inch in height or cause their hair isn’t blonde. This all seems silly to me. But this is how we use online dating sites.

Not that this is any different than real life. We make judgments on others we see all the time based on these same types of criteria. Instantly putting them in a datable or not datable category. The Internet has just made it easier to do on a wider scale.

It is not that this doesn’t happen at a site like eHarmony. It does. You just do it on a small scale because of the fewer matches. But the matches have some substance behind them at eHarmony. Matches at other dating sites are all about criteria we think we want. Not the criteria that we probably should be using. If this were the right criteria then we probably would have already found someone offline.

It just seemed to me that if I could overcome these preconceived notions of what I wanted in a relationship partner, eHarmony would be the right place to do it. An online dating service that tries to take the long term worries off the table. A site, that if you can let go of those surface level dating type criteria we use everyday, where you could find that special someone. At least that is where I am right now.

I think that this idea has some validity. Since a year ago when I signed up other dating sites like PerfectMatch have emerged that are built around a personality test for compatibility. Even Yahoo! Personals, the biggest in the online dating market, have added what they call a Relationship test for Premier members of the site.

Well, they say that: Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Or, is it that: Success breeds competition. Either way they sure talk a lot.